Strive and Thrive
Stop me if you have read this before: Kaitlyn thrives when her routine is kept. I’ll put that in writing again, Kaitlyn thrives when her routine is kept.
Now, when I write “routine,” I do not just mean keeping her on the same schedule all the time. Yes, that is part of it, but only a part, not the entire meaning. Kaitlyn’s routine also includes her manners and her discipline. By that, I mean that she responds so much better when not only her schedule is maintained, but also when there is a consistent delivery of disciplinary expectations and consistent expectations of appropriate behavior in regards to her manners and overall demeanor. And Amber and I strive to maintain a consistent approach, and we are successful most of the time.
Now, I know that some people, maybe even a lot of people, may disagree with our parenting style and approach. I get that, and I am fine with that. People can disagree all they want, but really are only doing so in a vacuum of interaction that lasts at best a few days; most are short in duration but long in advice. While we know not everyone will agree with our style and approach, I would think that at the very least, there would be some respect shown. This is not always the case, and I do not understand that at all.
When we take Kaitlyn out of her comfort zone for any length of time, there is work to do for us when we get home. That is natural, and does not include any deprogramming that may occur while we are away. And it is the deprogramming that makes our return home often be a multiple day battle to get Kaitlyn back on track. I highly doubt that there is ever any intentional undermining of our parenting, but the end result is the same. When Kaitlyn is shown or told that certain rules do not apply or too much latitude is given, she takes it way to the extreme. In her Aspie mind, all of the rules are now null and void, and she can do whatever she wants. Not the case.
Parenting is always full of challenges, and parenting a child with Asperger’s requires the total of both my energy and Amber’s on a daily basis, and then some. Sometimes, we start the day behind on energy because we are that mentally worn out from the day before. Like tomorrow, we will be behind in the count to start, and it will probably be Thursday before we get to even; that is the result of just being out of routine for three days. Strive and thrive.
Don’t Get Fooled
“Good” days are frequent. So are the not-so-good days. Sometimes there are days that are “good” overall, but have moments in them that we would just as soon forget. And there are the not-so-good days where we can find that silver lining. Such is life when you have and Aspie in your house, or if you are the Aspie in the house. 
Amber and I learned early on, and continue to be reminded every day, that Kaitlyn will put us on a roller coaster of emotions on a daily basis. She is on the roller coaster every day, too. She has her ups, and she has her downs, and she certainly has all the twists and turns that one would expect when you buckle in to your seat on the ride.
What we struggle with is conveying the ups and downs to a lot of people. Because Kaitlyn will often string together a series of good days, it can be a week or more between her meltdowns. And we have found that, when people only see the times where she is not in meltdown-mode, it is difficult for them to understand the swings that accompany a dive into a not-so-good moment.
A prime example is our family reunion we just returned from this past Friday. We had a fantastic time, and Kaitlyn had a ton of fun, and our vacation came at a great time on our calendar. I can ask every member of my family that had even the briefest (is that a word?) encounter with Kaitlyn, and I bet that they would all say that she strung together a week of “good” days, and they would be right, at least for the most part. But what went unnoticed were the times that she was on that steep decline or on the twisting, upside down part, of the roller coaster. The times where she started to have a meltdown, and either Amber or I (often both of us) would intervene and get her back on track. What Amber and I know, and what we saw, is that some of the meltdowns could have been tremendous. And what Amber and I succeeded in accomplishing was keeping the meltdowns from becoming a focal point of the moment.
Kaitlyn, like a lot of females with Asperger’s, is sort of like a chameleon. She can easily blend into social situations and make people believe that everything is operating splendidly. But just below the surface, even the slightest shift can cause significant turmoil.
Social difficulties are just one of the many character traits that make Kaitlyn who she is, an Aspie. The absence of social difficulties for a day, a week, or any length of time, does not mean anything more than Kaitlyn is doing a great job of blending in to her environment; it is sort of a defense mechanism for her so that she finds her comfort zone and can still be present with those around her. The absence of the social awkwardness does not indicate that she is “cured,” especially since Asperger’s is not something that needs curing.
Amber and I struggle daily with how exactly we should be parenting Kaitlyn, but that is a good thing. We know that there has to be some variation in our parenting style, but at the same time, Kaitlyn excels when she has a structured, consistent routine/environment, and in an environment that emphasizes discipline and rules. When we leave the comfort zone that is our home, and Kaitlyn’s routine is thrown off, our reliance on discipline and rules is what keeps Kaitlyn from being miserable and allows her to enjoy herself.
If I could offer one bit of advice or guidance to those who do not interact with someone with autism or Asperger’s on a regular basis, it would be that they should not get fooled into thinking that the Aspie has somehow grown out of or somehow been cured of having Asperger’s, just because they are not constantly exhibiting obvious signs. Even the best chameleons can be spotted if you look hard enough.
A Different Approach
From the very first day Amber and I even tackled the idea of starting a family, one thing we agreed on is that any kids we had would be raised with a reasonable amount of discipline and be taught proper manners. We talked about the importance of “yes sir” and “yes ma’am,” “please” and “thank you.” Those things were important then, and remain so today.
As soon as we reached a point where Kaitlyn understood our instructions, we started to inject our agreed-upon approach. We were met with some resistance from those that thought maybe we were too hard on her, but we did not relent. Manners and discipline were going to be the foundation for raising Kaitlyn.
If she did something she was not supposed to do, she was punished accordingly. That was our across the board approach, and we saw the results in the way that she interacted with people. Yes, she was shy and reserved, but when she warmed up to someone, she was always polite.
Our approach changed somewhat after her diagnosis. The more we learned about Asperger’s, the more we adjusted our parenting style. We learned about the behaviors exhibited by people with Asperger’s, the more we continued to adjust.
Today, we approach each occurrence in a completely different way. We know now that Kaitlyn is not openly defying us because she wants to, she is responding the only way that she knows how. We know that there is something in the way that she is wired that does not allow her to always take what she has learned today and apply it tomorrow. There are times where we fight the same battle with her on what seems like a daily basis. But we know that these battles are not being fought because she is a bad kid; in fact, we regularly receive compliments about her manners and her behavior. Kaitlyn has never been one of those kids (and we all know them) that had too many meltdowns in public, or misbehaved to a point where she has disturbed others at a restaurant. Yes, those times have happened, but they are infrequent. She usually saves her meltdowns, etc., for home, or for when she has a private audience of family or friends.
I can honestly say that our approach to how we handle things with Kaitlyn is very different from the approach we employed a year ago. I know that I have let more things slide than I would have in the past, chalking them up to her Asperger’s. Of course, we are careful to evaluate what can be attributed to Asperger’s, and what is just her being a kid. It is the times where she is just being a kid that we have the flexibility to be a little more stern with her; the stuff that can be attributed to her Asperger’s is generally brushed aside. Amber and I have grown and will continue to grow as parents. I cannot wait until I can write the one-year update post to share where we were and where we are at that time. I know that the last 6 months or so have taught Amber and I so much, and we are better parents for what we have learned. Our approach is different today, but the foundation remains the same…we expect Kaitlyn to be well-mannered and show appropriate levels of respect for instructions from adults.
